Fra-gee-lay....

That must be Italian.
Uh, I think it says FRAGILE dear.
Oh, yeah. 

- Conversation between Mr. and Mrs. Parker in "A Christmas Story"

Wow. What can I say. I fully intended to get back to writing about the actual cabin, and stopping these random philosophical (deep, meaningful, profound.... bwahahaha!) postings. And then, well. As the philosopher says, "Shit Happens."

(Clearly that philosopher knew my mother -- but not so well that he didn't realize the proper response is "Oh Shit.")

I gotta be honest, I was already in a pretty weird emotional state last weekend -- either too much drinking or not enough. Too much company or not enough. Too much life or not enough. Something. I was personally going with the classic theory of "ignore it, and maybe it'll all go away."

~ snort ~

As really, does that ever work?

Of course not. In fact, this brings us to the number one reason why I believe God actually exists: because there must be someone up there with a damn wicked sense of humor. Damn wicked. And yes, I do realize that there are some holier-than-thou folks who are going to say that I just doomed myself to hell by using the word "damn" in the context of God.

PHBBBBTTTTTT!

(And in case you have no idea what that means, as I suppose one might if you were that type, that means I am sticking my tongue out and making the loudest sound I can by blowing air out over said tongue.)

You know what? I believe in a God with a sense of humor, a sharp, witty, and, yes, a sometimes wicked one. Someone who loves us unquestioningly and unconditionally, but who is also a full, robust, personality -- who can appreciate pain, loss, despair... and love, joy, happiness.... and humor.

Must have a sense of humor. (First on just about every one's dating list, right? So why not in your "God list"?)

But, I digress. Only sort of this time, as really -- I've been thinking a lot about life, God, and fragility. And that's some pretty deep shit.

(Oh... sorry, mom. That is actually not particularly an appropriate use of the word in her lexicon. She actually did not think very highly of curse words, but she did reserve the right to use one -- if absolutely necessary and appropriate...)

So.

On Monday I found out an ex-boyfriend of mine had a stroke over the weekend. He was only in his early 50s. His situation is better, though it is still very touch-and-go in terms of long-term progress. It appears his mental faculties are in pretty good shape, but his physical status is very much up in the air, and most likely not going to be very good.

He was my first "serious", "real", "talk about marriage" boyfriend. Obviously, that was all he was, as I started this out by noting he was an "ex" boyfriend. Yet, that initial status, no matter how long ago it was, means he will always hold a special place in my life, and in my heart.

I firmly believe in the idea that people come in and out of your life for a reason -- and no matter how short or long of a time it is, they can still have a profound impact upon you, and so always maintain a starring role, even looking back, at that moment in time. 

I suppose this in some ways references back to a few of my other postings... Like about Transitions and about Friendships. Hey, at least I'm consistent in my thinking!

In reality though, what this post is really about is the fragility of life, or life as we know it.

I know that the stroke of my ex-boyfriend really threw me for a loop. At first, I was not sure why. It had been years since we dated -- and although we had always maintained a friendship, it had been appropriately distant, though warm, as our lives changed and progressed without each other. We were different people, originally and as time passed -- there is a reason why things had not worked out. And yet, he was a starring role in my life at one point, and so he always remained a part of my life.

That is why it finally hit me: this changed everything, on so many levels. For me, it was not about the "what ifs" at all (though I think several of my friends may have wondered about that). It was that a character in the play of my life, a character I always just assumed would always be there, always be the same -- and I suppose I "depended upon" that being true -- was no longer what it was, was no longer who he was. It was a stark illustration of how quickly life can change. For him, certainly, but for every one.

I suppose it's a bit like the "Sliding Doors" theory (see the Transitions and Other Profound Crap post again).... In a moment, the smallest -- or biggest -- of things can change everything, alter the way our entire life plays out going forward.

His life is changed irrevocably. And it was an absolute reminder and message to the rest of us how quickly our lives can change irrevocably -- or even end. Our lives are fragile. Fra-gee-lay...

I did not make any New Year's resolutions, as I really don't believe in them (see here). But, as I noted in that post:

It just means to focus on things that are a bit more in our control. Such as we cannot even hope to "be happy" -- but we can hope to focus on being a better person, and in so doing, find ourselves a happier person.

And clearly I was on to something. This past week was a horribly stark reminder that things are most definitely not in our control. Nor are they on our time frame, or based upon our will.

Oh yeah, that God thing? Remember the classic saying having to do with God, stated in Christian religions (though clearly referenced in all religions that I am aware of) as:

Not my will, but Thine, Be Done.
- KJV, Luke 22:42

 Um yeah. Not.In.Our.Control. Whether you believe or not. Not.In.Our.Control.

Which means I am back to what seems to be the overriding theme of my posts lately, and, in fact, Murphy's Cabin itself: Things are not in our control, so we need to focus on only what we can control. And that is, noting what is truly important in life.

This is usually not what we think it is -- as it is most definitely not inanimate objects. Think animate objects.... Think people, friends... Think not sweating the small stuff. Think living life to the fullest, because you never know when everything might change irrevocably.

I think my grandpa put it best:

Live every day as if you are going to die tomorrow.
Prepare every day as if you are going to live forever.

Yes.

For life is fra-gee-lay, and we have no idea how many days, or even hours or moments we have left to share with the truly important things (people) in our life.

So go. Go now. Go and share. Go and live life fully. Share your love, your life, and let the people who are important know that they are. Live. Joyously and with reckless abandon. Go.

GO!

Shoo!